The Trifles of Elgert Tanzer
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elgert_tanzer's LiveJournal:
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| Saturday, January 30th, 2010 | | 11:25 am |
Rapidly Dissolving Dreem
* Hitting Michael Dawson from Lost in the lower back with a small hammer, trying to paralyze him. Prolonged discussion over whether this is supposed to happen or even necessary. * Shifting layers of reality. Someone is The Clown, and is thus able to use fireworks nobody else can see. Ballrooms changing from white to black with spinning sentient lanterns. * In a bathroom stall while someone outside to my right is using a urinal. I'm staying quiet and still, but know I have already been spotted because I have a shirt hanging over the edge of the stall. The person flushes the urinal, and walks over in front of my stall, peering in through the crack between the stall door and wall. I open the door to discover it's a disheveled older woman with greasy blonde hair. She tells me to get away from the stall, and look in the toilet. From a distance, it looks like the toilet is full of shit, but I gradually realize it's the head of a brown alligator, who quickly and smoothly lunges out of the toilet and begins attacking the woman. The brown alligator is followed by a green one, the same color green as that neon relish on Chicago hot dogs. Lots of running around and sucking up differently sized alligators with the appropriate size vacuum cleaner. * Realization that everything is shifting again because while attempting to save Buffy (our dog) from an alligator, there are suddenly three of her. * RPG boss fight with Bowser-Godzilla that's just there to make sure you know how to distribute points to boost your abilities. Beatable in one hit. Current Mood:  slickCurrent Music: Bondage Fruit - Holy Roller | | Sunday, January 24th, 2010 | | 12:33 pm |
Question Air
1. Who is raking the garden? 2. How many have you swallowed? 3. Was it through rope or intuition? 4. Have you ever applied for this position before? 5. Did I flake? 6. How long has it been since you last borrowed? 7. I beg your pardon? 8. Why are you fishing? 9. Is it hard to be hollow? 10. Who will bury the garden? | | Tuesday, December 8th, 2009 | | 9:23 am |
WigSmart
Sometimes I like to read back through this to help me remember, as there are times when the me of two or three years ago doesn't seem real. It's interesting to see how cyclical it all is, and I still think "Barber-sailor" is funny, but I can't stop cringing at all my clumsy attempts to be witty. I mean, I care as little about the quality of my writing now as I did then, but how did I ever think my commentary on those match.com entries was anything other than completely godawful? Current Mood:  sleepyCurrent Music: strangely melodic creaking from outside that may be the dumpster lid | | Monday, November 30th, 2009 | | 12:41 pm |
Hrm
Not that anyone uses LiveJournal anymore, but it seems like all I care about writing, oh, these past 11 months or so, are transcriptions of my weird dreams. Which I'm not having nearly enough of. Maybe I should start taking Ambien, or mescaline. | | 12:35 pm |
Return of the Dreem
I was watching the Final Fantasy Tactics movie, and I was quite upset by the number of changes to the plot. Not only did they make the minor subplot concerning Reis the Dragon-tamer the focus of the film, she was a woman who was trying to turn back into a dragon rather than a dragon trying to regain her human form, and they cut out the character of Beowulf entirely. After a Xena-esque fight sequence, Reis prepared to finally turn into a dragon, but instead became a towering mossy stone giant with a deep bass voice, and everyone fell through a portal... ...to North Carolina. The party were all scattered, and Sam, Merry, and Pippin ended up outside a country house where the orchids were in full bloom. Sam was awkwardly climbing a hedge sculpted to resemble a tree, while Merry and Pippin observed an unshaven, barefoot man sitting on the porch, whom they were invisible to. "Look, Merry, he's just like our old Bert!" Pippin whispered excitedly, as the man idly mimed drinking a beer and wiping the foam off his upper lip. Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: High Tide - The Joke | | Thursday, October 22nd, 2009 | | 8:45 pm |
Thetan Dreem
The library at the Scientology compound had many high windows, only on interior walls, and all of which were covered by metal shutters. I flipped a switch to raise the shutters but was told "it's cheerier with them down." I then went to the dark, mazelike bathroom and was disgusted by how dirty it was—mold all over the ceilings and in the corners, shit smeared on the floor. "Scientologists have the dirtiest bathrooms," I said to no one in particular. "How can you say that?" someone shouted in reply. "You've only been in three stalls!" Current Mood:  lazyCurrent Music: KTU - Optikus | | Friday, August 28th, 2009 | | 6:52 am |
Disambiguation
"Porpoises are small cetaceans of the family Phocoenidae; they are related to whales and dolphins. They are distinct from dolphins, although the word "porpoise" (pronounced /ˈpɔrpəs/) has been used to refer to any small dolphin, especially by sailors and fishermen. The most obvious visible difference between the two groups is that porpoises have flattened, spade-shaped teeth distinct from the conical teeth of dolphins, and shorter beaks." Current Mood:  anxiousCurrent Music: Assemble Head in Sunburst Sound - The Slumbering Ones | | Thursday, July 30th, 2009 | | 12:05 am |
NC Dreem
On I-40 somewhere near Raleigh, we were overtaken by someone in a big rusted periwinkle-blue Ford from the late '50s or so. He kept swerving around and cutting in front of us, and falling behind only to speed up and cut in front of us again. Sarah wrote down his license plate number, which I used to give him some scathing negative feedback on eBay. He later replied with the following message: "i'm a cowboy, that's just how i roll" | | Tuesday, April 28th, 2009 | | 5:29 pm |
Little Victories
I love when I manage to snatch up sub jobs in advance. It requires checking SubFinder at just the right time, and you have a very small window of opportunity in which to accept a posted job before someone else does. It's kind of like winning a game, except the prize is work. Current Mood: accomplishedCurrent Music: David Bowie - Sunday | | Wednesday, April 15th, 2009 | | 4:54 pm |
| | Thursday, April 9th, 2009 | | 5:30 am |
Dreem of Chicken
Attached to your kitchen ceiling is what looks like a large metal mixing bowl, with light pouring out from between the rim of the bowl and the ceiling. This sort of ceiling lamp is very common, of course—it doesn't use a bulb, but filling it with whipped cream or chicken broth causes it to emit light. We call this a kitchen light, but that name is really a corruption of "chicken light." | | Sunday, April 5th, 2009 | | 3:54 pm |
Beechcombr
Morning, and the creamy sea lapped at the cinnamon sands. The crabs were out early, carrying baguettes and looking like little scuttling ships. The sun warmly chuckled and in a deep, rumbling tone spoke his daily riddle: "I see what you see, and want what you want, on oyster shells my beak made blunt." "It's that forlorn-looking seabird over there," I replied, and sure enough, it was. The sun handed me a long-necked green bottle of fizzy-pop, and as I turned to show off my prize, I noticed that Shavey was gone. We later found him about a mile down the beach, furiously rubbing a crab against a hunk of bread. "When do we eat? When. Do. We. Eat?" "Soon, but not soon enough." | | Monday, March 16th, 2009 | | 5:20 pm |
Cinematic Titanic
Despite my earlier enthusiasm regarding Cinematic Titantic, I've only just recently gotten around to watching an episode—I picked The Wasp Woman for no particular reason. And...it's pretty good, but inconsistent. The movie is classic Roger Corman, and concerns a mad (but lovable) scientist who devises a formula apparently to change guinea pigs into rats. The riffs are mostly on-target throughout the film, though they seem to lose steam toward the end, as was unfortunately typical of MST3K as well. There are a couple of skits they pause the film to perform, and they both really fall flat, both because the skits themselves aren't particularly funny, and because the transition from riffing to skit seems really awkward and forced. There also isn't a summative skit at the end—I didn't realize how much I enjoyed those in MST3K until this episode quietly ended with the credits. I know Mary Jo Pehl is generally not well-liked among MST3K fans, but this is the first time I've found myself really agreeing with them. Her personality in Cinematic Titanic is almost indistinguishable from her Pearl Forrester character, and she seems very out of place riffing on the movie among the other MST3K alums. Her delivery is just bad. I can't pinpoint exactly why, but she takes lines that would have made me laugh were they spoken by Trace or Josh, and just robs them of their humor. Ultimately, I'm still really glad to see new material from these new guys at all, and it's great that it's at least comparable in quality to MST3K. They've done several episodes since, so hopefully they're getting better. | | Monday, March 9th, 2009 | | 8:41 am |
Fragment
Wisdom winds around her fingers shadow puppets incomplete, Leopard eggs and mermaid legs (and all that's legs must end in feet) Current Mood:  toastyCurrent Music: Thinking Plague - Organism (version II) | | Friday, February 13th, 2009 | | 10:21 am |
I am going to rip my tonsils out of my throat with my bare hands.
The worst part about only being only sort of sick is that you don't really know whether over the next day or two you're going to be getting better or worse. Woke up yesterday morning feeling like I had a bus parked in my throat, but it got a little better as the day wore on. Didn't feel feverish, still had a good appetite, etc. Woke up this morning, and Worse. WebMD has proven to be mildly reassuring, though. As I am coughing up copious amounts of sputum, this points to a viral infection, rather than strep throat that is going to cause rheumatic fever and my early demise. | | Thursday, February 12th, 2009 | | 12:31 pm |
Dreem Fighter
Somewhere there exists a version of Street Fighter II with a different ending depending on the character you're playing as and the last opponent you fight. If you beat the game as Zangief with Balrog as your final opponent, the ending involves each finding out the other is a virtuoso jazz pianist. They don black wide-brimmed hats, make deranged facial expressions, and decide to form a band called "Niger's Eight Children." Their adventures are further chronicled in a pair of raunchy adventure games similar to Leisure Suit Larry, made by an obscure developer, and only released for an unpopular system, maybe 3D0. The developer only released one further game, an equally unsuccessful golden retriever simulator, before closing their doors for good. ...I should probably stop reading Hardcore Gaming 101 so much. Current Mood: amusedCurrent Music: Japan - The Other Side of Life | | Friday, January 30th, 2009 | | 1:35 am |
Whoops
I accidentally kicked the dog in the face, but I think she's forgiven me. Current Mood: relievedCurrent Music: The Residents - The River of Crime | | Sunday, December 28th, 2008 | | 11:46 am |
Feline Dreem
Sarah and I were following this nice old lady through the center of an old town. We stopped at a nondescript storefront. The old woman put her finger to her lips, unlocked the door, and we followed her in. Inside it became clear that she was the embodiment of the essence of Grandmother, and this was her private restaurant. There were white curtains and red cloth napkins, Norman Rockwell pictures, and needlepoint saying things like "Home Sweet Home." Then her head turned into a cat's head and the restaurant began flooding with chocolate milk because she had forgotten to take her Cat-Ritalin. Edit: Cat-Grandmother has made a cameo appearance in a recent Slow Wave comic: http://slowwave.com/index.php?date=09-01-03 Current Music: Big Star - What's Going Ahn | | Sunday, December 21st, 2008 | | 4:58 pm |
Scribblenauts
This looks like it has the potential to be one of the most hilariously brilliant games ever. Here's hoping it's not a colossal disappointment. Current Music: Roy Harper - Me and My Woman | | Tuesday, November 11th, 2008 | | 1:38 am |
Your Separate Self
Your separate self sits on the shelf and watches you pass by and through. He smiles and sighs and idly pops the bubbles that you never blew. |
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